More Prose, Less Cons.

What is Love?

Well?

What is it?
I know, - Its corny.

But everyone seems to be an expert now days.
What does it mean to love?
To be loved?

And when I say loved,
I mean
Unconditional.
Without Regret.
More than Boy Meets Girl.
Lust at first sight.
Tingling in my Heart.
Kind of Love.

Pure.
Undefiled.
True to all people.
Kind of Love.

- Show me that Love.
Love that is no Respecter of persons.
Love that knows no bounds.
Love that is Blind.
Blinded by the love by, and for.
It’s People.
Of its one, and only, Created beings.
One of a kind. Like no other.
(There is a REASON no one’s fingerprints are the same.)

Show me that Love.
Love that follows no rules.
Unbiased.
Child-like.
Innocent.
Untainted Love.

Love that doesn’t know.
Where hate doesn’t exist.

Love that sees no:
Black. White. Gay. Straight.
Democrat. Republican.
Christian. Muslim. Buddhist. Mormon. Jewish.
Male. Female.
Guilty. Innocent. Rich. Poor.
Young. Old.

Show me THAT love.
And then, Maybe then.
I will Understand.

My Jesus.
My Patchwork God.
My 19 year old. White Girl. GED Recipient. Southern Baptist turned Non-denominational Christian former atheist.
Homosexual Loving.
Wants to be my FRIEND.
Not my boss.
Jesus.

Fits THAT definition.
THAT description.
Of Love.

And I’m sure,
That if he Can love me.

You won’t have to worry about any kind of Love.

National Survivors of Suicide Day. Poem : Any Final Thoughts?

I've been working on this poem, or prose rather, for a few weeks now. Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day, and so I finally sat down and finished it.
I wanted to share it with those who have been affected by Suicide, Whether it be a close family member, friend, teacher, or neighbor. I believe that in one way or another we have all been affected by a suicide.

My Uncle commited suicide when I was 11. I did not know the man, I had never met him, and I had never heard many good things about him. My knowledge of him is reduced to a few minute facts. I do remember however, how devesated my father was when he found out.
This is for everyone who has been effected by suicide.
To some it might bring comfort, for others it might not. Just know, that I am thinking of you.

"Any Final Thoughts"
"It is said to take 3 to 5 minutes to die after the heart stops beating.
For the brain to stop functioning, to be "clinically" dead.
I'm a poet, not a doctor,
so for the sake of argument let's say four.
Four minutes from being alive to being dead.
I believe that it those last four minutes; you have a fully functioning mind.
I wonder if your four minutes of final thoughts are influenced by how you die.
I wonder if the man killed in a car accident thinks "I should have taken first street instead of fifth."
or if
the woman who dies of a heart attack thinks in her last moments about the big Mac she had last week,
and if that is what pushed her over the edge.
But I also wonder about the people who intentionally throw they're last four minutes into orbit.
Do they have these same lines of thought?
I believe that no matter how you die,
you spend your last four minutes thinking about the past, present, and future.
I know I can think of a lot of things in four minutes.
Ready?
Set?
Go!

Love - did I love my family enough?
What about my friends?
I wonder if when they read my obituary,
if the first thought in their minds will be
"she sure knew how to love!"

What about my funeral?
Will they play all the songs I want them to?
Amazing because it is, Pass me not oh gentle Savior,
I will follow you into the dark, and when it rains.
Will they play my songs?
Will my headstone be right?
Like Anne Lammott's "she was a helper, and she danced!"
Who will give my epitaph?
Will it be sad?
I want it to be funny.
With lots of fun, crazy stories about me.

And then I think about college.
Clases start soon.
Am I taking to many?
Will I pass them all?
Will I make new friends?
What about the teachers?
Will they be nice?
Easy?

I have a flutter of thoughts.

What should I wear tomorrow?
Should I get my lip pierced?
When will I get married?
Who will I marry?
What was that noise?
Where will I move?
When am I going to travel?
And with those final thoughts
my final four are up.

But what about those who commit suicide?
How do they spend they're final four?
I think they think about the things they've never done,
the things they will never get to do.
Four minutes dedicated to things I've never done.
Been in love.
Gone dancing.
Been to Europe.
Africa.
India.
Paris.
Gotten married.
In Vegas.
Turned 20.
Graduated college.
Had babies.
Published a book.
Taught someone how to read.
Turned 21.
Spoken a foreign language.
Served food to the less fortunate
on
Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Gotten smashing drunk.
Had grandbabies.
I've never done IT.
Any of it.

And to me, just thinking about it could save me from myself.
I wonder if they feel regret.
It makes me think of driver's ed.
The point of no return.
The place where it is to late to stop...
You have to keep going no matter the consequence.

All I know is that in my final four,
my thoughts will include them.
They will be in the list of things I have never done.
Never knew them as they got older.
Never got to sit with them,
on the front porch of the nursing home,
in rockers made for old ladies like us to knit in as we rock.

Never said goodbye.

Never.
Got.
To say.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
You felt.
So alone.

I'm sorry.
I never helped you.
Help.
Yourself.
.
.
.
But then I think.
about the those I have helped.
and while it doesn't make up for you.
While I was thinking about you,
I helped save someone else."


If you or some one you know are contimplating Suicide, Please find someone to talk to. Whether it be a Parent, Teacher, Pastor, or Friend, find someone you can trust, Someone you can share with.
Check out the find help section at TWLOHA.com
or
call 1.800.Suicide

PRAY HARD

I Got accepted for the TOMS shoe drop in Orlando! Pray hard the I can collect the funds. I need $315 if I want to stay at the Hotel (which I Do) or $140 if I commute. Right now, it looks like I will be commuting, but if I do the Shoe drop, I can't go to  Cocoa and see my loves! I want to do both so badly! Pray like crazy!

if you have any questions, email me! Charlseymarie@gmail.com

Day 14: God is good.

So its 1:15 in the morning, and I am stoked. these last two days have been awesome. Pray for me, I just applied for the TOMS Orlando Shoe Drop!! I love doing volunteer work,

and I hope that this experience would be as amazing as my TWLOHA experience.

Pray HARD!

If you don't know a lot about TOMS, They are AMAZING!!

check out they're Website. http://www.tomsshoes.com/

Also, check out my Day 5 Blog about TOMS http://vivalavida-longlivelife.blogspot.com/2008/10/day-5-happy-anniversary-to-me-tom-ta.html

Blogging will be late

Decorating for a baby shower.... oh joy. Will blog later. Good news is I'm going to see my Love and Justin! I miss pillow Talk with Sue and Hugs From Justin. I can't wait for next week!!!!!!

Day 13:Spite and Hatred are bitter pills to swallow.

He who plants a tree, plants a hope.

Its been a rough week, I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. The sign that the week is over, and I get to start again.

I was confronted with the thing I fear most yesterday. I’m glad that I saw him from a distance, and it wasn’t confrontational, nor do I think he actually SAW me. I’m also proud of myself that I didn’t freak out.

I was talking to my mom today, and she said a lot of hard things. I think that’s what it takes sometimes, someone who loves you, smacking you over the head, and saying “You shouldn’t think that way…. You need to fix this…”
So told me a lot of good things, She told me that I need to change my perception of Beauty. And its true, if I don’t love me, then I can’t expect anyone else to love me. As much as it might hurt, I have to learn to trust again.

I did some studying this morning, and looked up Spite and Hatred, I found some pretty profound stuff. The Definition of Spite is “Ill will or hatred toward another accompanied with the disposition to irritate or annoy.”

“The minute you begin hating someone, you become his slave. Hatred holds you captive and robs you of peace of mind, and your time is spent recounting unpleasant situations. Your enemy consumes your every waking moment, and hatred holds your mind hostage.”

I have slowly been realizing how my hatred and spite is eating me alive. I read this comment, and wondered, “how did they get in my mind??”

I also found out that there was a Surgeon, John Hunter, who got so angry, that he had a heart attack and died!

I have been thinking about a story Doug told at Roots. From the Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. Doug told us about the boy names Eustace in the story.

“Eustace is the cousin of Edmund and Lucy, who go to live with him for a while. Eustace is a jerk. He's the only child of a rich mother and father and is used to getting everything he wants. He cares for no one but himself.
Through a series of events, the children find themselves in Narnia once again and on a voyage to the end of the world. They are in a huge galleon with the king of Narnia and are travelling into uncharted territories in search of missing noblemen. On one particular island, the crew of the Dawn Treader are exploring in search of supplies to repair their ship, which was unfortunately attacked by a giant sea monster.
Eustace, being the jerk that he is, wanders off on his own, not wanting to do any work. He walks around in the jungle, mumbling and grumbling horrible things about his cousins, the king, and other various crew members. Before long he stumbles upon the edge of a small cliff and sees a small pond nearby. There is also a small cave, and a terrible dragon is making it's way outside towards the water. Eustace is terrified. He stays perfectly still and watches the dragon die a horrible death.Eustace, still scared stiff, doesn't move for quite a while. He finally works up the nerve to descend the small cliff and make his way to the pool and cave. He enters the cave and is surprised to be met by more gold then he could ever imagine! He celebrates his new found wealth and ends up falling asleep on one of the piles of gold.
Without getting into the next scene, which is pretty suspensful, Eustace wakes up to discover he has turned into a dragon!Eustace spends some time upset and angry and terrified at his new fate. He makes his way back to the camp only to be met with fear from his shipmates. As time goes on, Eustace realizes that he was turned into what he already was. He was a beast on the inside and the magic of the island made him a beast on the outside. He learns from the error of his mistakes and the crew begins to see a change in his character. He is helping gather supplies and does more then his share in repairing the ship.Then the night comes where he meets Aslan.
He is wandering through the jungle and comes upon the pool once more. Standing near the pool is the mighty lion, Aslan, who represents Christt in the series. He tells Eustace to shed his skin. So Eustace does. He takes his massive claws and digs into his scales and peels off a layer of skin. Proud of himself, he looks to Aslan. Aslan looks back and says, "That is not enough. You must dig deeper."So Eustace digs deeper. He digs till it hurts. And yet still Aslan says, "No. You must dig deeper."
He digs. Not enough. He digs deeper. Still not enough. Eustace can no longer take the pain. And yet still it is not deep enough.
Finally Aslan looks at him, love in his eyes, and tells him, "I will do it." His huge, imposing claws dig deeper than Eustace could ever possibly do or even imagine. He strips Eustace to the core. To the bone. Aslan then asks him to bathe himself in the pool. He submerges into the water and resurfaces as a human once again.”[1]

Hatred will turn you into someone you don’t want to be, and I am working on shedding this skin of spite and hatred.

Thanks for helping bring me through.


[1] http://exwindchaser.blogspot.com/2007/10/eustace.html

Day 12: My New Love.

So I got a new Doggie today, his name is Jack.

We think he was abandoned, or being starved by his previous owners. He is missing at the moment, he is (hopefully out roaming the neighborhood, and I will search for him in the morning. He is so sweet, and I hope to bring him inside soon!!

Today has been a good day, lol I was telling my mom, I spent about $100 on counseling sessions that hadn't been working that well, and got more help from her in a 20 minute conversation. I am learning a lot about honesty, and how much we should value our families. Parents and adults are so much smarter than we think.