Viva La Vida

Encouragement comes from the strangest places.

2009-12-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

This week I had some hard, but very joyful conversation. The hardest one came from a very deep place of pain as well as shame, and I realized something from my friends (many of them) I love you means when you hurt I hurt. Friends want to be with you in your mess. and that one of the reasons i don't see God, is because I havent been looking for him. (and Crispers has magical honesty/truth serum powers!)

These verses have been speaking to me this week:

Psalm 18:16-24 - 16-19 But me he caught—reached all the way
from sky to sea; he pulled me out
Of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos,
the void in which I was drowning.
They hit me when I was down,
but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field;
I stood there saved—surprised to be loved!

20-24 God made my life complete
when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together,
he gave me a fresh start.
Now I'm alert to God's ways;
I don't take God for granted.
Every day I review the ways he works;
I try not to miss a trick.
I feel put back together,
and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life
when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

and these verses occured to me to be a great giving up all your mess passage:

Isaiah 35:4-10

Tell fearful souls,
"Courage! Take heart!
God is here, right here,
on his way to put things right
And redress all wrongs.
He's on his way! He'll save you!"

5-7Blind eyes will be opened,
deaf ears unstopped,
Lame men and women will leap like deer,
the voiceless break into song.
Springs of water will burst out in the wilderness,
streams flow in the desert.
Hot sands will become a cool oasis,
thirsty ground a splashing fountain.
Even lowly jackals will have water to drink,
and barren grasslands flourish richly.

8-10There will be a highway
called the Holy Road.
No one rude or rebellious
is permitted on this road.
It's for God's people exclusively—
impossible to get lost on this road.
Not even fools can get lost on it.
No lions on this road,
no dangerous wild animals—
Nothing and no one dangerous or threatening.
Only the redeemed will walk on it.
The people God has ransomed
will come back on this road.
They'll sing as they make their way home to Zion,
unfading halos of joy encircling their heads,
Welcomed home with gifts of joy and gladness
as all sorrows and sighs scurry into the night.

Ask hard questions

2009-11-30T17:36:00.001-08:00

As well as funny ones...

Its been rolling around my head, and therefore bothering me quite a bit lately on what I actually believe about God and Jesus as well as faith in of itself. Or any faith for that matter. Reading velvet Elvis has encouraged me to ask hard questions, there is nothing wrong with asking! I don't Want to believe because I'm "supposed to" I want passionate faith and I'm trying to figure out how to at least get started. I figured this would be an interesting way to see what others believe in, lol and see a good mix of what ppl around me believe. These questions are meant for believers and non believers, and as what God does for you, and how he impacts you. Individually.

i don't really understand God, nor do I think I ever will, and that whole trinity thing throws me off, so let's pretend that Jesus and God are 2 separate ppl but can hear each others thoughts. Always knowing what is going on with the other.

I'm going to answer these questions as well, and tag some ppl when I have internet access again. Until then its just me and the blackberry.

Let's get started:

Why do you believe in God?

Who is God?

Why do you believe in Jesus?

Who is Jesus?

What is god's character?

What is jesus' character?

If you had to assign God a physical body as someone in pop culture, who would it be ?

If you had to assign Jesus a physical body as someone in pop culture, who would it be ?

What do you think of this quote "but God doesn't need to tell us what to do at each fork in the road. He already revealed his plan in our lives: to love him with our whole hearts. To obey his word, and after that to do what we like"?

What exactly do you think of the do what we like part?

What does it mean to love God with your whole heart?

How do you love God with your whole heart?

If you could give up one day of life to spend an hour with some one that died, who would it be? What would you do?

Do you take the bible literally?

How do you decide what part is applicable and what isn't?

How is this not picking what you like and throwing out what you don't?

Do you ever feel like not praying when you feel stuck?

What do you do instead?

When do you seem to struggle in faith?

How do you overcome it?

Is God always the answer?
What if sometimes God isn't the answer?

What verses, books, quotes have helped you develop tie faith?

Are faith and passion the same thing?

When you imagined the voice of God, whose/whom voice do you imagine?

When you imagined the voice of Jesus, whose/whom voice do you imagine?

How do you get to know God?

How did you get to know God?

Did you "look into" any other religions other than the one you are currently in now?

Who is more important God or Jesus? Why? You can only pick one!

Is one more important?

What is heaven like?

Do you think we all get our own like customized heaven?

What would yours be like?

What is hell like?

Do you think hell would be customized?

What would yours be like?

What do you think about God having a plan for your life?

Do you feel like he will give you turn by turn directions?

If you could ask God anything and he would give you a the correct answer, what would it be and why?

Why do some people not feel gods presence?

Do you think that feeling disconnected from God is always our fault? Is God ever to blame?

If you don't believe in God what do you believe?

What do you use as your morality meter? Ie ten commandments, karma, etc.

Who/ how do you see God ?

Who or how do you see Jesus?

Do you think its possible to believe in an all loving Jesus, but a hands off God?

What do you think is a necessity in faith? Ie what do you HAVE TO believe?

That's all I have for now, this will be a growing list

Good stuff

2009-10-18T10:24:00.001-07:00

God is not a vending machine you don't put in a prayer and pull out a prize

Also bee thinking and discussing the concept of isolation vs. Solitude.

I am Wholly Yours

2009-10-05T19:39:00.000-07:00

All my baggage. All my pain. All my sin: shame, lust, pride, lies, deceit, Judment, selfishness. I’m leaving it here. I’m placing it at your feet. I’m leaving it here. I need your help. I’m going to want to pick it back up. But I know you love me enough! That it’s okay for me to let it go. For me to be free. – Here I am. All of me. Finally. Everything. Wholly. Wholly. Wholly. I am Wholly. Wholly. Wholly. I am Wholly. Wholly. Wholly. Yours. I am Wholly yours.

I and Love and You

2009-10-03T18:19:00.001-07:00

This made me smile.

"The words "I" and "Love" and "You" are the watermark of humanity. Strung together, they convey our deepest sense of humility, of power, of truth. It is our most common sentiment, even as the feeling of it is so infinitely uncommon: each to proclaim these three words with his or her very own heart and mindset of reason (or lack thereof); a proclamation completely and perfectly new each time it is offered. Uttered daily and nightly by millions, the words are said in an unending array of circumstances : whispered to a newborn in a mothers arms; shared between best friends on the playground; in the form of sympathy - said by a girl to a boy, as the respect continues but the relationship does not. It is said too loudly by parents to embarrassed children in the company of their friends, and by grown children - to their fading parents in hospital beds. The words are thought in the company of the photograph and said in the company of the gravestone. It is how we end our phone calls and our letters... the words at the bottom of the page that trump all those above it, a way to gracefully finish a message, however important or trivial, with the most meaningful gift of all : the communication of love. And yet the words themselves have been the victims of triviality, a ready replacement for lesser salutations among near strangers, burst forth casually as "love ya." Truly? To what degree? Why, how much, and for how long? These are questions befitting of the stature of love, though not the everyday banter of vague acquaintance. The words have also been twisted by the dark nature of deceit : To say "I love you" with a dramatic measure of synthetic emotion; a snare set by those who prey upon fellow humanity, driven to whatever selfish end, to gain access to another's body, or their money, or their opportunity. In this realm, the proclamation is disgraced by one seeking to gain rather than to give. In any case, and by whatever inspiration, these words are woven deeply in to the fibers of our existence. Our longing to hear them from the right place is maddeningly and simultaneously our finest strength and our most gentle weakness.The album "I and Love and You" is unashamedly defined by such a dynamic of duality. As living people, we are bound by this unavoidable parallel. We are powerful yet weak, capable yet temporary. Inevitably, an attempt to place honesty within an artistic avenue will follow suit. This is a piece which shows us as we are : products of love surrounded by struggle. The music herein is, in many ways, readable as both a milestone and an arrival. A chapter in the story of young men, it bridges the space between the uncertainty of youth and the reality of it's release. The record is full with the quality of the question and response. As far as questions go, there are plenty-normally residing within the tone and delivery of the lyrics themselves, which, ironically, are sung with so much confidence. Among songs and thoughts so driven and purposeful, the most basic relatable doubt comes through with a resounding clarity. Outside of the eternal theme of romantic love, the album speaks thankfully upon a landscape of light-filled rooms, word-filled pages, time machines, forgiveness, singing birds, ocean waves, art ,change, confessions of shortcomings, and reasons to continue on. Hope and a cause for smiling follow naturally. In the midst of all this, there are allusions to the less-than-ideal conditions of life : the loss of memory, the inability to control temper, insecurity, indecision, jaded indifference, and the general plague of former and current weakness. "I and Love and You" is an album of obvious human creation, characterized by it's best and it's worst. Emotional imperfection is a reality for those who recorded the piece, just as it is for those who will hear it. The conclusion of the song from which the title is taken admits that the words "I love you" have become "hard to say". And perhaps that difficulty is as common as it's counterpart. Perhaps the inability to say these heaviest of words is as much a part of life as the lighthearted candor of those who say them without any difficulty at all. And so it ends with the phrase whispered to and by those of us most defeated and most elated... I and love and you..."
- The Avett Brothers

#106. The side hug.

2009-10-01T16:16:00.001-07:00

YES!!!
#106. The side hug.

Shared via AddThis

Rabbi

2009-09-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

When things get hard, or more accurately tragedy strikes, I tend to want to scream at God "Why did you let this happen...How dare you... what kind of God are you..etc..." Today i am reminded that I mess up everyday, minute by minute, unintentionally and intentionally, but God loves me all the same. Sometimes I want to say "God you should have done this differently!" Like when I hear that a young pregnant girl and her baby are killed in a car accident,or today when i heard that a Child murderer died of natural causes, and a 16 year old boy who is friends with someone at my church has died. I want to say “um excuse me… *tap tap* What were you THINKING!”
But I know for myself that if I were God, if I had the ENORMOUS responsibility to keep the world going ‘round that I would suck at it! Epic Fail! But I also think about what I really want in the times I want to scream at God, and I think this story describes it best!
"One day a rabbi stood on a hill overlooking a certain city. The rabbi watched in horror as a band of Cossacks on horseback suddenly attacked the town, killing innocent men, women and children. Some of the slaughtered were his own disciples. Looking up to heaven the rabbi exclaimed: “Oh, only if I were God.” An astonished student, standing nearby, asked, “but, Master if you were God, what would you do differently?” The rabbi replied: “If I were God I would do nothing differently. If I were God I would understand.” - Joanna Laufer and Kenneth S. Lewis in Inspired

God open our ears, and shut our mouths!!!!

2009-09-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

"There are people who, instead of listening to what is being said to them, are already listening to what they are going to say themselves."
— Albert Guinon

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."
— Winston Churchill

*When I say “we” in this blog, I am also including myself, I am just as guilty as everyone else*

I have been struggling with this lately. I feel like everyone is so focused on saying the “right thing” or the thing that we think the person who is speaking “wants to hear.”

I don’t know if I feel conviction or just anger. When did we become so lazy, that we cannot simply be still and silent and listen to someone who is trying to share their problems?

This week I have had this overwhelming feeling of discontentment, as well as hurt and shame.

When did we become so lazy as to be so focused on our own lives that we cannot reach out to those who are hurting? We say we are too busy, too tired, or that we will do it later, or people are too much work/ to high maintenance. The truth is (whether we want to admit it or not) we are too lazy. Most of the time we don’t take the time to listen in the first place, nor do we take the time to follow up.

God this week open my ears and shut my mouth. Make me a listener and a friend. Give me a heart of Compassion and Love. Help me to be more authentic and honest. Make me a lover!

Hmmm.....

2009-09-17T17:57:00.001-07:00

most honesty gives birth to negativity" been chewing on this today. Do we over use the concept of openness and honesty? By saying we are just being honest, are we giving ourselves permission to be negative?

I love pomegranates

2009-09-14T16:32:00.000-07:00

They are my favorite fruit. But the thing about pomegranates is that
They carry a multitude of disadvantages to the person eating them.
Pomegranates are MESSY! The pomegranate juice will permanently stain
Your clothes, your fingers usually remain dyed for a few days, and the
Process of removing the tiny seeds of fruit can be tedious. It usually
Involves 2 bowls, a sharp steak knife, a dishtowel, and a trash can.
Only after you have done A LOT of work do you get to enjoy it.

But this makes me think of my growth spiritually. It is Messy! And it
Takes a lot of work. Your hands get dirty, and like the stains, your
Life is forever changed.

This week I’ve learned that this journey is going to messy and hard.
Your feelings are going to get hurt. You’re going to have to put
Yourself in vulnerable places, you will have to eat crow, meet with
People who you don’t get along with easily or who hurt your feelings and do your best to treat
Others as yourself.

This week is hard for me, this season is hard, but I am going to do my best. This week I’m committed to being open and honest. I’m committed over all to having a better attitude.

Are we asking the right questions?

2009-09-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have been saved many a time by people asking not "How are you?" but by asking "Are you Happy." People may not think so, but simple conversations matter.

I had a convo with mike today that I've needed to have for awhile now. I feel extremely discontent with school, and I don't know how to explain it other than the fact that I LOVE school, but this semester I feel extreme discomfort, and really don't feel like I am called nor want to be there. I was telling mike that I feel like I need to have a "back up plan" I don't feel like i have a "Direction" in my life, and I've never felt like I've had a professional calling in life. I want to be a wife and mom and just be there as a friend to people and encourage them. I feel like this "back up plan" is sinful, its like saying to God my way is beeter. But how do I know that school isn't God's plan? I'm not paying for it, so I don't know that this isn't God's provision?

I feel like there is/will be a stigma about not being college educated, yet there is so much I want to do, or feel like I could do, that God is calling me to, if I weren't in school. and Maybe it just has to do with the "fear" of what others think (and talking about this with my advisors at school)

James 1:5-6 - If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. - I believe that God will give me the answers, and I trust him, I just need some guidance.

I need guidance and wisdom and to surround myself with Godly people, and any practical advice I could get would be appreciated. :]

I want to honor God, and I don't want it to be all about me. I don't want to be a "I" person. I want to lift others up.

God, I want to honor you and I trust in you. God help me not to get caught up in pleasing you, rather than trusting you.

Random musings, I feel down tonight

2009-08-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days that I just want to cry out to God, to sit across from him drinking tea and cry on his shoulder.

I want to learn to how to let go, and I feel like I'm beginning to let people in, but Let me tell you, It is really freaking scary!

Pray for me as I continue on my journey, working on my relationships, and continuing to fight my way thorough the sand. I am reflecting on this verse, and the following quote I I found on Rachel's Blog

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. ~ Psalm 37:4,5"

"you are a victim of the rules you live by"

Hoping to rejoin the blogging bandwagon!

2009-08-12T17:59:00.001-07:00

Found this verse today, and it speaks to my heart:

Proverbs 4:23 ~ Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.

Note to self:

2009-03-31T14:03:00.001-07:00

Self: Thanks for getting it together. we will write soon.

More Prose, Less Cons.

2008-11-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

What is Love?

Well?

What is it?
I know, - Its corny.

But everyone seems to be an expert now days.
What does it mean to love?
To be loved?

And when I say loved,
I mean
Unconditional.
Without Regret.
More than Boy Meets Girl.
Lust at first sight.
Tingling in my Heart.
Kind of Love.

Pure.
Undefiled.
True to all people.
Kind of Love.

- Show me that Love.
Love that is no Respecter of persons.
Love that knows no bounds.
Love that is Blind.
Blinded by the love by, and for.
It’s People.
Of its one, and only, Created beings.
One of a kind. Like no other.
(There is a REASON no one’s fingerprints are the same.)

Show me that Love.
Love that follows no rules.
Unbiased.
Child-like.
Innocent.
Untainted Love.

Love that doesn’t know.
Where hate doesn’t exist.

Love that sees no:
Black. White. Gay. Straight.
Democrat. Republican.
Christian. Muslim. Buddhist. Mormon. Jewish.
Male. Female.
Guilty. Innocent. Rich. Poor.
Young. Old.

Show me THAT love.
And then, Maybe then.
I will Understand.

My Jesus.
My Patchwork God.
My 19 year old. White Girl. GED Recipient. Southern Baptist turned Non-denominational Christian former atheist.
Homosexual Loving.
Wants to be my FRIEND.
Not my boss.
Jesus.

Fits THAT definition.
THAT description.
Of Love.

And I’m sure,
That if he Can love me.

You won’t have to worry about any kind of Love.

National Survivors of Suicide Day. Poem : Any Final Thoughts?

2008-11-22T12:05:00.001-08:00

I've been working on this poem, or prose rather, for a few weeks now. Today is National Survivors of Suicide Day, and so I finally sat down and finished it.
I wanted to share it with those who have been affected by Suicide, Whether it be a close family member, friend, teacher, or neighbor. I believe that in one way or another we have all been affected by a suicide.

My Uncle commited suicide when I was 11. I did not know the man, I had never met him, and I had never heard many good things about him. My knowledge of him is reduced to a few minute facts. I do remember however, how devesated my father was when he found out.
This is for everyone who has been effected by suicide.
To some it might bring comfort, for others it might not. Just know, that I am thinking of you.

"Any Final Thoughts"
"It is said to take 3 to 5 minutes to die after the heart stops beating.
For the brain to stop functioning, to be "clinically" dead.
I'm a poet, not a doctor,
so for the sake of argument let's say four.
Four minutes from being alive to being dead.
I believe that it those last four minutes; you have a fully functioning mind.
I wonder if your four minutes of final thoughts are influenced by how you die.
I wonder if the man killed in a car accident thinks "I should have taken first street instead of fifth."
or if
the woman who dies of a heart attack thinks in her last moments about the big Mac she had last week,
and if that is what pushed her over the edge.
But I also wonder about the people who intentionally throw they're last four minutes into orbit.
Do they have these same lines of thought?
I believe that no matter how you die,
you spend your last four minutes thinking about the past, present, and future.
I know I can think of a lot of things in four minutes.
Ready?
Set?
Go!

Love - did I love my family enough?
What about my friends?
I wonder if when they read my obituary,
if the first thought in their minds will be
"she sure knew how to love!"

What about my funeral?
Will they play all the songs I want them to?
Amazing because it is, Pass me not oh gentle Savior,
I will follow you into the dark, and when it rains.
Will they play my songs?
Will my headstone be right?
Like Anne Lammott's "she was a helper, and she danced!"
Who will give my epitaph?
Will it be sad?
I want it to be funny.
With lots of fun, crazy stories about me.

And then I think about college.
Clases start soon.
Am I taking to many?
Will I pass them all?
Will I make new friends?
What about the teachers?
Will they be nice?
Easy?

I have a flutter of thoughts.

What should I wear tomorrow?
Should I get my lip pierced?
When will I get married?
Who will I marry?
What was that noise?
Where will I move?
When am I going to travel?
And with those final thoughts
my final four are up.

But what about those who commit suicide?
How do they spend they're final four?
I think they think about the things they've never done,
the things they will never get to do.
Four minutes dedicated to things I've never done.
Been in love.
Gone dancing.
Been to Europe.
Africa.
India.
Paris.
Gotten married.
In Vegas.
Turned 20.
Graduated college.
Had babies.
Published a book.
Taught someone how to read.
Turned 21.
Spoken a foreign language.
Served food to the less fortunate
on
Thanksgiving or Christmas.
Gotten smashing drunk.
Had grandbabies.
I've never done IT.
Any of it.

And to me, just thinking about it could save me from myself.
I wonder if they feel regret.
It makes me think of driver's ed.
The point of no return.
The place where it is to late to stop...
You have to keep going no matter the consequence.

All I know is that in my final four,
my thoughts will include them.
They will be in the list of things I have never done.
Never knew them as they got older.
Never got to sit with them,
on the front porch of the nursing home,
in rockers made for old ladies like us to knit in as we rock.

Never said goodbye.

Never.
Got.
To say.
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
You felt.
So alone.

I'm sorry.
I never helped you.
Help.
Yourself.
.
.
.
But then I think.
about the those I have helped.
and while it doesn't make up for you.
While I was thinking about you,
I helped save someone else."

If you or some one you know are contimplating Suicide, Please find someone to talk to. Whether it be a Parent, Teacher, Pastor, or Friend, find someone you can trust, Someone you can share with.
Check out the find help section at TWLOHA.com
or
call 1.800.Suicide

PRAY HARD

2008-10-13T11:50:00.001-07:00

I Got accepted for the TOMS shoe drop in Orlando! Pray hard the I can collect the funds. I need $315 if I want to stay at the Hotel (which I Do) or $140 if I commute. Right now, it looks like I will be commuting, but if I do the Shoe drop, I can't go to Cocoa and see my loves! I want to do both so badly! Pray like crazy!

if you have any questions, email me! Charlseymarie@gmail.com

Day 14: God is good.

2008-10-10T22:14:00.000-07:00

So its 1:15 in the morning, and I am stoked. these last two days have been awesome. Pray for me, I just applied for the TOMS Orlando Shoe Drop!! I love doing volunteer work,

and I hope that this experience would be as amazing as my TWLOHA experience.

Pray HARD!

If you don't know a lot about TOMS, They are AMAZING!!

check out they're Website. http://www.tomsshoes.com/

Also, check out my Day 5 Blog about TOMS http://vivalavida-longlivelife.blogspot.com/2008/10/day-5-happy-anniversary-to-me-tom-ta.html

Blogging will be late

2008-10-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

Decorating for a baby shower.... oh joy. Will blog later. Good news is I'm going to see my Love and Justin! I miss pillow Talk with Sue and Hugs From Justin. I can't wait for next week!!!!!!

Day 13:Spite and Hatred are bitter pills to swallow.

2008-10-09T16:54:00.000-07:00

He who plants a tree, plants a hope.

Its been a rough week, I’m glad tomorrow is Friday. The sign that the week is over, and I get to start again.

I was confronted with the thing I fear most yesterday. I’m glad that I saw him from a distance, and it wasn’t confrontational, nor do I think he actually SAW me. I’m also proud of myself that I didn’t freak out.

I was talking to my mom today, and she said a lot of hard things. I think that’s what it takes sometimes, someone who loves you, smacking you over the head, and saying “You shouldn’t think that way…. You need to fix this…”
So told me a lot of good things, She told me that I need to change my perception of Beauty. And its true, if I don’t love me, then I can’t expect anyone else to love me. As much as it might hurt, I have to learn to trust again.

I did some studying this morning, and looked up Spite and Hatred, I found some pretty profound stuff. The Definition of Spite is “Ill will or hatred toward another accompanied with the disposition to irritate or annoy.”

“The minute you begin hating someone, you become his slave. Hatred holds you captive and robs you of peace of mind, and your time is spent recounting unpleasant situations. Your enemy consumes your every waking moment, and hatred holds your mind hostage.”

I have slowly been realizing how my hatred and spite is eating me alive. I read this comment, and wondered, “how did they get in my mind??”

I also found out that there was a Surgeon, John Hunter, who got so angry, that he had a heart attack and died!

I have been thinking about a story Doug told at Roots. From the Voyage of the Dawn Treader by C.S. Lewis. Doug told us about the boy names Eustace in the story.

“Eustace is the cousin of Edmund and Lucy, who go to live with him for a while. Eustace is a jerk. He's the only child of a rich mother and father and is used to getting everything he wants. He cares for no one but himself.
Through a series of events, the children find themselves in Narnia once again and on a voyage to the end of the world. They are in a huge galleon with the king of Narnia and are travelling into uncharted territories in search of missing noblemen. On one particular island, the crew of the Dawn Treader are exploring in search of supplies to repair their ship, which was unfortunately attacked by a giant sea monster.
Eustace, being the jerk that he is, wanders off on his own, not wanting to do any work. He walks around in the jungle, mumbling and grumbling horrible things about his cousins, the king, and other various crew members. Before long he stumbles upon the edge of a small cliff and sees a small pond nearby. There is also a small cave, and a terrible dragon is making it's way outside towards the water. Eustace is terrified. He stays perfectly still and watches the dragon die a horrible death.Eustace, still scared stiff, doesn't move for quite a while. He finally works up the nerve to descend the small cliff and make his way to the pool and cave. He enters the cave and is surprised to be met by more gold then he could ever imagine! He celebrates his new found wealth and ends up falling asleep on one of the piles of gold.
Without getting into the next scene, which is pretty suspensful, Eustace wakes up to discover he has turned into a dragon!Eustace spends some time upset and angry and terrified at his new fate. He makes his way back to the camp only to be met with fear from his shipmates. As time goes on, Eustace realizes that he was turned into what he already was. He was a beast on the inside and the magic of the island made him a beast on the outside. He learns from the error of his mistakes and the crew begins to see a change in his character. He is helping gather supplies and does more then his share in repairing the ship.Then the night comes where he meets Aslan.
He is wandering through the jungle and comes upon the pool once more. Standing near the pool is the mighty lion, Aslan, who represents Christt in the series. He tells Eustace to shed his skin. So Eustace does. He takes his massive claws and digs into his scales and peels off a layer of skin. Proud of himself, he looks to Aslan. Aslan looks back and says, "That is not enough. You must dig deeper."So Eustace digs deeper. He digs till it hurts. And yet still Aslan says, "No. You must dig deeper."
He digs. Not enough. He digs deeper. Still not enough. Eustace can no longer take the pain. And yet still it is not deep enough.
Finally Aslan looks at him, love in his eyes, and tells him, "I will do it." His huge, imposing claws dig deeper than Eustace could ever possibly do or even imagine. He strips Eustace to the core. To the bone. Aslan then asks him to bathe himself in the pool. He submerges into the water and resurfaces as a human once again.”[1]

Hatred will turn you into someone you don’t want to be, and I am working on shedding this skin of spite and hatred.

Thanks for helping bring me through.

[1] http://exwindchaser.blogspot.com/2007/10/eustace.html

Day 12: My New Love.

2008-10-08T18:55:00.001-07:00

So I got a new Doggie today, his name is Jack.

We think he was abandoned, or being starved by his previous owners. He is missing at the moment, he is (hopefully out roaming the neighborhood, and I will search for him in the morning. He is so sweet, and I hope to bring him inside soon!!

Today has been a good day, lol I was telling my mom, I spent about $100 on counseling sessions that hadn't been working that well, and got more help from her in a 20 minute conversation. I am learning a lot about honesty, and how much we should value our families. Parents and adults are so much smarter than we think.

Day 11: You Gotta Swim. Swim when it Hurts.

2008-10-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

The weather seems to fit my mood today.

Its been rainy, dreary and Dark. Just one of those blah days.

This is not version one of today’s blog, the first one was a mess, and was filled with a lot of hurting, this one, not so much.

I am having a very hard time being home from Cocoa, and have been really depressed for the past week.

I sent a text to Hannah earlier, and asked her (paraphrasing) “Am I a bad person if I have the overwhelming urge to rid myself of all things that remind me of them?”

I am thankful for friends like Hannah, who understand and don’t judge, but in their own little ways show me Christ. Saying, “Its okay to feel hurt, I know you and I love you anyways.”

Hannah just text me something I will never forget.

I told her she is too good to me.

Hannah in all of her loveliness, wrote me back these words.

“No, I treat you how you deserve to be treated.”

She gives me hope, that there are still people out there who care for the broken hearted.

I am constantly reminded that there is so much to fight for, I’m glad for these reminders, and to someone, some where, I hope I am a reminder.

“You gotta swim, Swim when it hurts .The whole world is watching You haven't come this far To fall off the earth…. I swim to brighter days, despite the absence of sun… You gotta swim, Swim in the dark… Just keep your head above.”

Day 10: Its deep and its Dark, and sometimes broken. Part. 1

2008-10-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

I went and saw The Dark Knight (again) with my mom, sister, and Aunt. I love the movie, in many different ways. It has some of my favorite actors in it, and it reminds me to be true to myself, and not get lost in “The Act” When I say “The Act” I’m talking about how sometimes we get caught up in who we are trying to be, that we forget who we are, or who we ever were.

I wonder sometimes, how much is too much to share on here, or to share with people.

I want to use my better judgment, but I also feel like I need to share.

Life it seems, gets hard, and then it gets harder.

I try to keep a quote from The Dark Knight in my mind at all times.

“The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming.”

Happy moment of the day, is that my TOMS Documentary in the mail!!

Day 9: Play, Laugh, Grow.

2008-10-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

Just got back from Kevin’s Surprise Birthday party, and it was a lot of fun. I haven’t been to a party in forever so it was fun getting to hang out and get to know people from Roots better.

This Balloon is Amazing!

We were decorating, and Mary mixed her breath and helium together, and it was AMAZING. It was like a zero gravity balloon! I wish I could have taken a video of it, it was beyond words!

I am so excited to get to know the people from Roots better. It’s been so long since I’ve had REAL friends and people I could trust and talk to. It takes a lot of work, and It’s nerve racking, but also a lot of fun.

I also wanted to say a big thanks to Maddy for texting with me last night. I needed you and you were there for me. Thanks my Love! Leaving and the reasons going to Cocoa and coming back and the feelings and hurts there has been really hard, but that’s another Blog. Thanks for being there for me!

Going to Visit my Aunt Tomorrow! Yay!

Day 8: Daddy here I am again, would you take me back tonight.

2008-10-04T18:44:00.001-07:00

I love Fairy Lights.

They remind me of lighthouses, how they guide people home, when they are lost in darkness. I like to think about the Prodigal son in the bible. I imagine the story in a bible times/Laura Ingalls Wilder type setting. I Imagine that after his son left, the father would wait up later than normal each night, waiting and watching for his sons return. Then when he went to bed each night, he would light a lamp and stick it in the window, to shine a light to show his son the way home. I think of how God does this for us, making sure we can find our way home, when we are lost and in darkness.

At church tonight, they sang a song called “Gratitude”

I love the lyrics to this song, and each time I hear it, it humbles me. As children we are taught that God will provide, and then (I feel) we continue to try and rely on ourselves, and then get angry with God because he hasn’t given us what we want. I try to constantly remind myself that it is GOD’S plan, not Mine that is best. God only has three answers. Yes, No, and Not yet.

That is why these lyrics speak into my heart.

“Or maybe not, not today

Maybe You'll provide in other ways”

God will provide, maybe not in the way we want, but he WILL provide us with the things we need.

I have to go make cake now… I already have a subject for tomorrow… now to find the perfect picture!

Day 7: Let the Good times roll.

2008-10-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

So its Friday, This means that its my weekly “hangout with the G-rents” day.

I love my grandparents house. They have this couch, it is THE Couch. They have had it for YEARS and it is my favorite place to sleep, so comfy, and smells like them.

Tonight has been a lot of fun. It has made me realize, that even if you think you “Know” someone, there are so many things to discover about other people.

My Paw Paw has been my Grandfather for 19 years, and I learned so many new things about him tonight. 1)He was in the ARMY. And 2) He Smoked a pipe when he was young!

My Neenee has been my Grandma for almost 16 Years. Tonight was the first night that I had ever seen a picture of her when she was a child and young adult. She had 12 Brothers and sisters! Looking at her picture’s from when she was a teen, let me tell ya, She is a Fox!I NEVER knew those things! About either one of my grandparents.

I think it amazing how many new things you can learn about people.
So I figured what the heck! What are some little known facts about you? Comment me! They can be funny or serious, or just plain old dorky.
Here two of mine:
1) I refuse to eat popcorn out of the microwave bag. I hate how it feels…Eww!

2) I have a love/hate relationship with Libraries. I currently have no library card… and neither does anyone else in my family, because of my library fines.

P.S. I SWEAR my Grandpa looks like Elvis!!

Day 6: We have so much to learn from the poor.

2008-10-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Today has been an all around amazing day.

My doggie actually posed for a picture,

which she NEVER does!

I went to the Culinary Academy today. WOW, thats really all I can say, it is amazing there. I am scheduled to start in January '09. Its amazing the things they can teach you to create, and the places you can take it.

Then, when I got home, I check my email, and I had an email from Caitlin, the Social Media Manager, from TOMS! I was and am seriously pumped. It reaffirms my statement that they are amazing people.

But even with all that, the highlight of my day, was helping someone else. As simple as getting this man a meal, made him like everyone else, if only for a little while. I'll admit, I left TWLOHA because I felt like I was being called to help the homeless. Today I feel like I cam a little bit closer to that goal. For some reason, Homeless people scare me, but once I get to know them (like Mike and Paul) I'm fine. I was really afraid for the man today, he was sitting, actually sitting on the curb on Hwy 27. so we brought him some food, and it brought me to tears how thankful he was. I think he was in shock at first, and just said thank you and God bless over and over again. I can't imagine how he was feeling, or how hungry he was, he sat back down on the curb with a big smile in his face as we drove away. It hurts my heart that the "solution" that our towns have come up with, is to run the homeless out, not assist them. I am reminded of Brandt Russo and his arrest for not having "permission" to witness and live among them. What has our country been reduced to? I love Mother Teresa's story, and her words.

"Look in the faces of the poor in the bustees, in the slums and you will see them smiling. They may have no food in their swollen bellies, no roof over their head, but whatever they have they will share with others who are poor like themselves. They are not alone because they have each other. We have so much to learn from the poor."

The next time we see someone who is homeless, lets not jump to conclusions, Lets not say, "they are only going to buy drugs or alcohol." Give them the benefit of the doubt, or go buy them a meal, or even better give them Mcdonalds Dollars. Personally, I am not a believer in seeing someone who is homeless, and (having $$ on me) refuse to give it to them/buy them a meal, but say hey it will get better, lets say a little prayer (Don't get me wrong, I believe in prayer. and if you don't have any $$ on you, this is a HUGE thing to do) and then say peace out! "and one of you tells them, "Go in peace! Stay warm and eat heartily." If you do not provide for their bodily needs, what good does it do?" - James 2:16

May we all have the compassion of Christ.

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these." - George Washington Carver.

Day 5: Happy Anniversary to Me! - Tom Ta Tom Tom Toms!

2008-10-01T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 11th year that I have lived in Florida. Coincidently, I got my Toms in the mail today.

Its like an anniversary present to myself!

TOMS is a really cool idea, and also really simple. The shoes, are taken from the favored footwear of Argentine peasants.

For every pair of shoes that they sell, they also give a pair away to a child somewhere in the world that doesn't have shoes.

I invite you to check out this interveiw with creator, Blake Mycoskie.

http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/09/the-th-interview-toms-1.php

also check out TOMS Website.

www.tomsshoes.com/shoes.aspx

So here is to living here for 11 years, and cool shoes that make a difference, for someone other than just myself!!

Day 4: My Challenge to You

2008-09-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

Look at this beauty. On sale down the street from my house, It reminded me of the movie Pleasantville.

This Blog is going to be short and sweet. I was going through my purse, and I came across my latest letter from Vasquez. In all my “busyness” I realized that I haven’t written to him in almost a month. I can’t imagine how he feels, I feel terrible for him. I feel like my classmates, and even myself at times, have done him a great disservice. He checked on us everyday, and was more than our Teacher, but was (and still is) our friend.

It hurts my heart to get letters from him and hear the heartbreak in his words on how his “friends” have left him because of his mistake. Being in Prison isn’t his punishment, the fact that those who said they would stand behind him have left him, is a mental and emotional anguish that none of us can understand. Yet he has never lost his faith, and is constantly reminding me

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6”

So this is my challenge to you.

Stop reading this Blog.

Break out your pen and Paper.

Pick up your phone.

Bring up your email.

Write that letter, or make that phone call that you have been putting off. Let someone know you care. Let someone know that they are loved.

Day 3: The Dedication Blog: To Negative Nance, Dock time, Chris, Chad, Sue and everyone’s story

2008-09-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

I miss my girls : [ and because I couldn't have dock time, I had the next best thing.
..
..
I got to share my story with a new person today. The rush of emotions that (I feel) everyone gets are the same everytime. 1)Nervious 2)Shy 3)Honor 4)Skeptisism and 5)Relief. Its always cool (in my opinion) to share your story (testimony) with someone new.

I wonder what it is in our lives that makes us think our stories are so uninteresting, maybe its just me, but I long to know other peoples story, They're Skeletons, They're Scars.

When I was younger (and I imagine anyone who has an older sister they look us to has done this.) I relished in reading my sisters diary. Even if I got caught, which I did, more that once...(Sorry Carrie!!) I felt it was worth it, to know my sister's secrets. Even today I love it when my sister tells me details about her life. To me it is so much fun to swap stories, and in other ways to know that you're not alone. Crap I hope she still keeps a diary that i can read one day (with her permission...Jeez!!)

That has probably been my favorite part of the time I spent with TWLOHA, and with my Dock time with Hannah and Whitney.
Spending Dock time with you both kept my spirits up, and I know that sailboat races can be fun to watch with the right people.

The day we gathered and shared our stories. not only at spring break, but also this summer. I truly know from that experience that I am not alone. I met this guy named Chris. Let me tell you, he is an Amazing Man-Boy. He helped me a lot in my struggles. I love knowing that I know him and without saying anything, he can understand, He's been there. - Chris, Your an Amazing Man boy. Thank you for helping me. You have been a great friend, and a wonderful example. Don't ever change!

Chad. Chad Chuck. Wheat Thin! you are so freaking amazing! Thank you for helping me find my faith again.

I don't even have a good lead ino my time spent in the Cave/Darwf House/Pleasure Pit! I say that if I ever live in the attic craw space of a 100+ year old house, sharing a bathroom with 16 other people again, I want to do it with Momma Sue. I have laughed, cried, and shared more with Sue than anyone in my entire life. It takes a true friend to still love you when they fall down the stairs and laugh along with you. (seriously, watch the third step, it will kill you.)
Sue - You are more amazing than you know. I love you very much. I saw some girls car dancing the other day and almost cried. Stay Classy!

TWLOHA was an amazing experience. I love how so many stories intertwine to make up lives, and friendships.

To the rest of my TWLOHA friends... I love you. You will be "Featured" soon.

To anyone reading this, know that you have a story, and know that it matters!

Day 2: The Velveteen Rabbit

2008-09-28T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today’s pictures are interesting...

Moving

Driving down I-4, Some guy moving a refrigerator, the Freezer door is open, and there is a gallon tub of Ice cream sitting in it. If that isn't Polk County, I don't know what is.

The Worlds Largest McDonalds.

I haven’t been there in years, My sister and I Affectionately call it the worlds worst McDonald's.
I will have to try it again.

I cannot seem to get the man and woman who were at church last night. When I first saw her I though she was Mary Nelson, a lady that my mother’s church had helped in the past.
I hope they are doing well.

I don’t know why, but all of this has reminded me of my favorite Childhood story.
Many of you who know me really well, know that I carry around a copy of The Velveteen Rabbit in my purse,. I found a small bookmark of my favorite part of the story in my sister's bible yesterday. (Thanks Fatima!) and I thought that I would share about it. I believe that this story is the ultimate description of love and being a real person and found in the pages therein. Like the boy in the story, God is the only one who can make us real. I was reminded last night of how God looks beyond our outward appearance, to see the true beauty that is us.

“The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and wpould never turn into anything else. For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it. "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." "I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled. "The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." The Rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called Real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished that he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.”

The Rabbit (like Me) wishes that I could become “real” with out uncomfortable things happening, but I try and remember
"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

I would like to note, that unlike the boy in the story, God will never be forced to throw us out. He will love us no matter what.

I know that this has been all over the place, but it all makes sense to me, and I try to use this principal whenever I can.
My mom bought me this little ornament yesterday. When I first saw it, I put it back. One of the little birds eyes was missing. After putting it back I stood there for a long time. Finally I picked it back up and decided that I wanted it. After examining it a second time, I decide that I really would pick out another one that was worth buying. As I put it back, the birds other eye preceded to fall off. It was in that moment that I knew I had to buy it. It reminded me that at one time, not so long ago, I wouldn’t be “bought” because I was not whole or perfect. Jesus Bought me as I was, not because I had something to give, but because he thought I was worth it.
Never doubt a persons worth according to they’re look or circumstance.

2008-09-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

Today has been a day of travels and journey's. Because I can't seem to journal or reflect on my own, I am committing to Blogging and taking a picture every day for the next year, and then reflecting on those.
I think It will be a time of growth and expression. Thanks for coming along for the ride : ]

This is a picture I took getting off of I-4 going home. I have been hearing a lot about Community since I got home from TWLOHA. Its been almost funny how much I've heard about it. I got to do a lot of reflecting on the way to and from Tampa.

First, Family is Important, no matter what, and my family is pretty rad. Took Flowers to my sister today and everybody was like "aww that is so sweet!!" and the whole time I was thinking "Do you live with goons?? its really not that big of a deal!" but on the way home I realized not everyone has a family like mine.
I went thrifting today (How I miss Nada!) and I picked up the book "Where The Heart Is" by Billie Letts. It reminded me of Switchfoot's "This is Home" and MGMT's "Time to Pretend" While I am excited to be getting out on my own soon, I am still looking for my "home" Yet once I do move out on my own, there will be things about home that I will miss greatly. While it may not be picture perfect, I am glad to be back in Polk. I miss Cocoa, or rather what I thought Cocoa was.

The second thing I realized today, as much as she frustrates me, or annoys me, I still need my mom. Don't get me wrong, I still want to do things on my own, but she is a wise woman, and I hope that I can learn to appreciate her fully.

Lastly, I saw a tremendous example of Love and Patience tonight. (I have been attending Roots Community Church, and let me tell you, it is AMAZING! Contact me for time and directions!)

Jesse (The Pastor) showed tremendous Love and patience tonight. There was a very broken woman in attendance tonight, and how Jesse kept his cool was truly a God thing. I hope the woman gets the peace she needs. It is a true community church.

Tonight has been a true lesson in Community.

Community is there in the Good and Bad, and community is never ending, but make sure your Community is there to back you up, make sure those in your community are telling you more than words.

1-800-Suicide

2008-07-30T12:14:00.001-07:00

Hey!

Haven't gotten to blogin awhile, I'll try to keep you all more updated :]

Here's the newest thing I've been working on. Its about 1-800-Suicide, Its an Amazing Hotline. Check it out.

Talk to you soon.

Meet My Mates!

2008-07-12T21:52:00.001-07:00

Been Super Busy, I PROMISE to actually Blog soon! Until then, Meet my mates!